Leetal Kuddler.

Smoke, skin, movies, deep breaths, intermingled fragrances, stampeding hearts, more smoke. Leonard Cohen, Jazz, I will follow you into the dark, touches, caresses, peace, yearning, sleep, smell her hair, feel her skin, if heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied, images, sounds, mindfucked, laugh now, a smile, dimples, stare, try and see behind her eyes, hands clasped tight. Pearl Jam - Black, Images hit me, they surround me, images of her. A leaking boat, a boat about to go down, into the dark depths of the ocean, assaulted by waves of songs, words, movies, touches, moans, the curve of her neck. More smoke, smoke lends the blue tinge to her every image. A raging inferno. A forest fire, the illuminated valley, the ashes that will be left behind, the dead trees, painted white in their lifeless glory, but think of the warmth of the fire for now. Legs, shape of her ears, steal her warmth, let her steal yours. On the edge, lose your balance, a never ending fall, an endless void, watch her play with your hand before she lets you go. Walk the road you've always walked, walk that road with her and you will never walk on it alone, understand what it means to be alone, swim, skip, nonononono, leestan, let the leetal cuddly monster steal your soul. Make love, make love again. Clutch, let go, clutch again, exhale each other out of your system, inhale each other's scent again. The need to touch her again, promise yourself to never need her again, touch her again. Let the dagger in deeper. Let the blood flow freely... stop thinking now. Let the mind be empty. Let the images be stored somewhere else.

For Mamta.

I collected the pieces of your broken soul,
I built you from scratch,
Now they say that you are a Goddess,
A creation not meant for man.

You are my emptiness,
My silent void.
A scent that never goes away,
A beat that pulses incessantly behind my eyes,
A throbbing pain,
A soothing whisper,
A touch still remembered,
A terminal disease.

There you are on a pedestal of gold.
Made of my skin,
My blood in your veins.
I will steal you now,
For you belong not here,
But on an altar made of my dreams.

An Extract.

A part of the book I am writing. I need to improve a lot, I know. Still, enjoy the murder.

...I have always hated the homeless who crowd our city. Those cowards who have no life left to speak of. They, who go on zombie-like, their eyes devoid of emotion and their visage empty of expression. Their motherfucking vacant gaze gets on my nerves. They are the people who have given up, who refuse to fight back against the shackles in which they have been bound and trapped by the world. They are already dead but refuse to leave their physical form.

Well, I guess, I should do something about it.

Ronny found him in an alley. A homeless guy whose wrinkled face and shabby clothes were so caked with the accumulated dirt, that his features were barely distinguishable. He was sleeping, the sleep of a man who has had his fill of cheap alcohol, defeat and probably, nothing else.

Ronny walked the length of the alley, found no one in the alley. The streets at that time, which was nearly two in the morning, were absolutely deserted. The alley was dark and the one street light it had, was broken.

Ronny wore a black raincoat, perhaps to make him self, blend more easily with the night or because he had seen many killers in the movies, over the years, do the same. On the other hand, maybe he did not want to get his clothes bloody. Ronny took out the butcher knife, from one of the deep pockets of his black raincoat, the gleam of its blade being the only source of illumination in the dim alley, apart from the crescent bloody moon.

He went up to where the homeless vagabond was lying in his drunken stupor. He kicked him in the ribs with nearly all his strength. The hobo groaned in response to the excruciating pain, but did not wake up. He kicked the hobo again. The hobo was too defeated in the spirit to acknowledge the pain he was feeling, with anything other than with a feeble moan.

After a number of kicks delivered to the various parts of the hobo’s anatomy, Ronny was finally able to place himself and his knife in the center of hobo’s attention or somewhere close to the center.

“Look at me.” Ronny rasped, being out of breath after all that kicking and his mouth dry with excitement of the approaching kill.

The hobo tried to focus his gaze upon Ronny and then with some effort blurted out, “Who are you?”

“You know what you remind me of?” Ronny asked rhetorically.

“Who are---?”

“You remind me of shit. You represent the people who have been excreted out of the civilization and you know why?”

“Who are you?” the hobo managed to ask again with some considerable effort.

“Because you let everyone dump their shit on you, until you were so covered with filth, that there no longer was any difference between you and crap.” There was a hint of rage in his voice.

“Who are you?” The hobo, muttered, eyes already drooping shut, the alcohol in his system fighting to put him back to sleep, where the dreams took him to a land in which he was still happy, sometimes.

The irritation that Ronny had been feeling at hobo’s lack of attention, now transformed itself into a cold rage. Ronny, positively delighted in it. For him it was as if God spoke to him through the medium of this uncontrollable rage.

“Well, it seems to me, my little filthy, defeated friend, that your stay on this planet is about to end. You don’t really want to live and I don’t want you to live either. So, anything you would like to say before this little knife in my hand gets to know your neck intimately?” Ronny asked in voice devoid of emotion, expression, devoid of every hint of humanity.

“Who are you?” the hobo said bleakly, some of what Ronny was saying seeping through to his muddled brains, finally realizing that something bad was about to happen to him.

Ronny goggled at the hobo, amazed at hobo’s inability to articulate his feelings into any sentence other than a ‘who are you?’ He could no longer look upon the hobo as another human being. The hobo repulsed him to an extent he had not thought possible.

He replied in a calm, cold voice. “Who am I?” He paused, and gazed steadily at the hobo.

“I am Spiderman.” He cackled coldly, as his knife began its grisly work upon the hobo. For Ronny time stood still as he purged himself of a small portion of hatred, he had collected over the years.

The dreams that Ronny had that night were not very pleasant. He dreamed that he was a hobo, one very similar to the one that he had slashed out of existence earlier that morning. The scenario was so plausible and it so disgusted him, that when he did wake up, he had to rush to the bathroom and throw up...

The Need To Touch.

A deserted hill,
A forgotten tree.
A random soul,
A spirit free.

A buried treasure.
A raindrop,
About to merge with the sea.
A tempest.
A gentle breeze.
A pagan Goddess of contrasts.


In the darkness,
She hides.
Her mocking smile,
Her alluring scent,
Beckons you into her trap.
Her sinuous dance,
Fluttering eyelashes,
Silky tresses,
And you yearn for her caresses.

Burned into your bones,
Stamped upon your soul,
Amidst tantalizing gestures,
She will lead you astray,
You follow her to where she goes,
An earthbound man you are,
In the stars she resides.

A Requiem For Anticipation.

I've seen behind your eyes,
I've looked into your soul.
I've fished in the river of your imagination.
Walked the streets of your dreams.
I hunger for a glance,
A glimpse of your face.
I have waited to feel the sound of your name.
I wait still.
Black and White in a riot of colors.
A stationary figure in a stampeding crowd.

I've lived in your castle,
I've swum with your spirit.
The contours of your face are invisible still,
You remain unnamed.

Lost in the meadow of your thoughts,
Safe in the icy cold,
You gaze at the heavens,
The ceiling of your dreams.
But, whilst you look at the stars,
I tread gently,
I stalk.
I creep upon you,
With padded footsteps.


A tap on the shoulder,
A rush of blood,
A thudding heart.
Starlight upon your face,
I'll look in your eyes,
And I'll know.
Let this be an elegy for the mystery that was you.
A celebration for the death of a dream.

Love. My Cancer.

You wait for the pain to come. In the corner, hidden in shadows, waiting. The fear of the dreaded pain. Numbed by anticipation. The cancer prepares you for itself. Waits for when you are ready to feel nothing else. Then it creeps in slowly. Savoring every moment of your pain... of your helplessness. An unstoppable force. Skin, veins, bones, it'll eat through all. Now, all it wants is your soul. Let go. Let the surrender be complete. For once feel a pure emotion. Even though, to feel you have to experience complete defeat.

Daaru

Drunken stupor. You sit there in the car, your head against the window. The feel of the cool glass on your face. The street lights... they pass you by. You see and you try and make sense of what you see. Your heart floats. Your thoughts escape to the world more real. Everything is going to be alright, at-least that's what you believe. You are trapped... trapped in a golden glass. It's cold out there... cold enough to ignite the fire inside you. You don't want to escape. Don't even try. Give in. Feel the freedom that was never meant to be felt. Now, you drift off to sleep. The lone passenger on a ship... a ship sailing in turbulent waters. Now, you are there, though not for long. The ocean is vast, far vaster than land. You own it, though, only for a little while. Go ahead and feel what it is to be a demigod.

For Her.

There was a time, when we were poor together. She and I. We were happy. We were glad. There was immense joy and every obstacle was a challenge. Every hardship infused us with life. Now here we are, in palaces and swimming in a pool of gold. But we are surrounded by a miasma of yearning whispers and undecipherable moans. Trapped in our wants.Blind. Two pebbles broken from the same stone, thrown together, landing on different sides of the hill. Now we roll off in different directions. There we are, now, at the bottom. Long afterwards, when we we will be grounded to dust and the the face of the world has changed.. we will meet then... particle by particle, grain by grain.. a whole stone again.

A Stranger To Satisfaction.

Poisoned with knowledge,
He knew too much.
He could see the parts in the whole.
He could see the layers of paint in the painting,
The artist's blunders,
The colors that made the art.

On the bed,
Sweaty skin,
Underneath a dying ceiling fan,
He decided to search,
For a hole,
Out there, somewhere,
In which to bury the knowledge.


Out there,
In amidst the people now,
He knew he wasn't human enough,
Or maybe he was the only human.
He knew he was a complex chemical compound,
So were they all,
His species, i.e.
But they did not know that,
How could that be?

All that they could feel,
All that they saw and did,
A result of the compounds inside their body,
Cells and bones were all they were,
Why could they not see?


Knowledge was a weapon,
So be it, he thought.
I will make them see.
They need to know, more than anything else.
A terrorist, I will be.

CONFRONT.

NOW IS THE TIME,
NOW IS THE MOMENT,
TIME TO LEAVE YOUR UNDERGROUND CAVE,
TIME TO LEAVE THE WOMB,
THE WORLD AWAITS YOU,
THE AUDIENCE WAIT WITH BATED BREATH...
FOR THE CONFRONTATION.

YOU VS. YOU.
LIVE TELECAST FROM THE CENTER OF YOUR BRAIN,
THE VULTURES ARE ALREADY UP IN THE AIR,
THEY'LL REACH YOUR CARCASS BEFORE YOU LAY YOURSELF TO WASTE.
BUT DON'T YOU WORRY,
THINK ABOUT THE CONFRONTATION.


UNLEASH THE SWORD,
MAZES OF CYNICAL BARBS,
MOAT WITH WOODEN STAKES TIPPED WITH POISONED STEEL,
YOU LOCK YOURSELF OUTSIDE,
OUTSIDE YOUR OWN SELF,
YOU BROUGHT ABOUT THIS CONFRONTATION.

CHARGE.
ARMORED CARS, ARMORED HORSES,
BURN DOWN YOUR OTHER SELF.
NO, NO. DON'T YOU DARE THINK ABOUT THIS ASSHOLE,
DON'T YOU DARE ANALYZE,
THINK AFTER YOU KILL,
WHEN YOU HAVE BURIED YOUR OTHER SELF IN HIS GRAVE,
REMORSE IS NOT GREATER THAN LIFE,
LIFE IS NOT GREATER THAN BEING ALIVE.
NO MATTER WHAT, YOU WILL COME OUT A WINNER,
FROM THIS CONFRONTATION.

Blood

A pinprick.
Gentle pain,
Eerily soothing.
A drop of blood.

White sheets,
Watch the stain spread,
Murder,
Virgin love,
Pain,
Hope,
Dreams,
Birth,
Death.
A drop of blood.

A vampire,
I feed on your soul.
I need your blood,
To satiate my hunger,
To color my dreams,
To watch them breathe,
Your blood will flow in the veins,
The veins of my dreams.

An exchange?
Lets barter.
An abandoned castle in my dreams,
For your blood.
Immortality,
For your blood.
Bleed.
Bleed, now.
Give me life.
A drop of blood.

Words.

Communicate.
Indulge.
A language was born.
Words took shape.
Love, hate, agony and scorn,
We sigh, we shout,
We breathe, we speak,
But, I can understand you no more.

I want you to be deaf and dumb, again.
I want to hear you speak, again.
I want you to listen, again.
I want to talk.
I want to overcome words.
Kill the language,
Free us from our prison.

A whimper.
Fear of being free.
You run.
I chase.
In the city of words.
Amidst the throng of incomprehension,
The dingy alleys of not knowing,
You hide.
Don't worry,
I will free you tonight.


The end is near.
Near the edge we meet again.
The crashing of waves,
Underneath a cynical moon,
The moaning breeze,
Blurring the burning stars,
Your whipping hair,
Your wild eyes.
A push.
A scream that defies the cage.
Exult.
We are free, again.