That feeling when you know that defeat is inevitable. The relief mixed with grief. The two almost opposite emotions combine together to form this beautiful state of mind. Morbidly beautiful. You go through an entire spectrum of emotions. You oscillate wildly between the two poles, i.e, relief and grief. The relief at the thought you cannot win anymore. You can stop trying. The grief at the loss.The oscillations pick up speed as you approach defeat. Your mind goes in a frenzy. The heart races like a deer being chased by a leopard in the grasslands of Africa. Your actions become mechanical... Unfeeling. And when you touch defeat, the delirium reaches a fever pitch. All your senses overload. There is a moment when you can feel everything, hear everything, see everything and smell everything. And yet, nothing registers. As you immerse yourself in defeat, one of the feelings vanish, and you are left with one extreme. You are left panting in defeat and a vision that will haunt you time and again and when you least expect it.
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When you cannot escape the inevitability of an end any longer. You cannot stall it, you cannot deny it. You cannot even face it. You just let it wash over you, you let it flood into your veins because every part of you must know. Must accept.
Relief is the rush of acceptance. Of being able to give in. It is the counter to impending grief and pain. But barely. It is mostly there to ease you into what will follow.
The inability to feel, the vacuum is a wall against a raging ocean of madness and tears. It will hold up, develop cracks and then shatter, letting the angry waves break you. So what do you do? You don’t erect the wall. You toss the bricks aside and you dive into the ocean, so the shock of the whirlpool doesn’t snatch your breath.
You hold her hand and you watch the tranquil sky as long as you can. You don’t let the tiniest ripple break the moon’s reflection on the surface of your calm. You can’t defeat the ocean, so you turn your back to it and sit by the oasis that is yours to have. For now. For as long as you can. The ocean can wait.
Awww. :')
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