The Rise and THE MASSIVE FALL of Indian Cinema

Indian cinema is undergoing a revolution. Everybody is sitting up and taking notice of the force that is BOLLYWOOD.

I am people and I SEE you

Indian cinema has achieved so much in the last decade. The list of achievements is mind boggling. Aishwarya Rai went to the Cannes Film Festival. Malika Sherawat went to the Cannes Film festival. Danny Boyle made a movie in India, using Indian actors. A.R Rehman won Oscars for composing the soundtrack of a HOLLYWOOD movie and and and.... Wait.
How are any of these achievements of Indian cinema?

the greatest achievement of modern Indian Cinema

Nobody seems to be asking this question here in desi land. Everybody is just, oh so smug, about bollywood going places. However, since I am one of the smartest people around, I decided to start asking THE questions on this hugely popular blog, which has a following of exactly three people including me. But before we do the question asking lets take a look into the deep, dark, fungus ridden and dingy crevice that is Bollywood. The last sentence can also be used in any article about Paris Hilton. Replace crevice with cock-pocket and Bollywood with Paris Hilton. Anybody who wants to use it has to shell out $100 every time you use it. I do not know how to publish the copyright symbol so.... Anyway, back to Bollywood.

Bollywood- The Glory Days

I'd rather impale myself than watch any of the new bollywood crap- Mother India

There was a time when Bollywood used to dish out beautiful, meaningful movies on a regular basis. Movies with strong scripts, screenplays which explored emotions and situations with the precision of a heart surgeon. These movies did not have a huge budget nor were they riddled with special effects. Using any sort of special effects at that time would have overshot the budget of the film by at least two times India's GDP. This figure has been derived upon solely based on my expert opinion.

More money was spent in making this image than India's forex reserves between 1940-1980

These movies had good direction, decent acting and amazing soundtracks. As a case in point we can look at brilliant movies made in the year 1970. Just one year. 1970. 1 yr. Heh.

1.	Johny Mera Naam	Dev Anand,Hema Malini
2.	Sachaa Jhutha	Rajesh Khanna,Vinod Khanna,Mumtaz
3.	Kati Patang	Rajesh Khanna,Asha Parekh
4.	Aan Milo Sajna	Rajesh Khanna,Vinod Khanna,Asha Parekh
5.	Purab Aur Paschim	Manoj Kumar,Vinod Khanna,Saira Banu,Bharthi
6.	Safar	Rajesh Khanna,Sharmila Tagore,Feroz
7.	Humjoli	Jeetendra,Leena Chandavarker
8.	The Train	Rajesh Khanna,Nanda,Helen
9.	Himmat	Jeetendra,Mumtaz,Prem Chopra,Aruna Irani
10.	Khilona	Sanjeev Kumar,Jeetendra,Mumtaz
11.	Kab? Kyoon? Aur Kahan?	Dharmendra,Babita Kapoor,Pran,Helen
12.	Pehchan	Manoj Kumar,Babita Kapoor,Balraj Sahni
13.	Dharti	Rajendra Kumar,Waheedha Rehman
14.	Sharafat	Dharmendra,Hema Malini,Ashok Kumar,Roopesh Kumar
15.	Suhana Safar	Shashi Kapoor,Sharmila Tagore,Lalita Pawar,David Abraham
16.	Jeevan Mrityu	Dharmendra,Rakhee
17.	Ganwaar	Rajendra Kumar,Vyjayanthimala,Pran
18.	Bhai-Bhai	Sunil Dutt,Asha Parekh,Mumtaz
19.	Tum Haseen Main Jawaan	Dharmendra,Hema Malini,Pran,Helen
20.	Sawan Bhadon	Navin Nishchol,Rekha
21.	Abhinetri	Shashi Kapoor,Hema Malini
22.	Gopi	Dilip Kumar,Saira Banu,Pran
23.	Dastak	Sanjeev Kumar,Rehana Sultan,Anwar Hussain
24.	Heer Ranjha	Raj Kumar,Priya,Jayant,Nana Palsikar,Jeevan,Sonia Sahni,Daisy Irani,Prithviraj Kapoor,Padma,Ajit,Kamini Kaushal, Pran
25.	Rootha Na Karo	Shashi Kapoor,Nanda,Naaz,Rajendranath,Sulochana,Laxmi Chhaya,Tuntun,Mirza Musharaf,Rita,Hiralal,Aroona Irani, Jayshree T.
26.	Mere Humsafar	Sharmila Tagore, Jeetendra, Balraj Sahni, Jeevan,Keshto Mukherjee
27.	Geet	Rajendra Kumar,Mala Sinha,Kumkum,Sujit Kumar,Nazir Hussain,Daisy Irani,Manmohan Krishna,Tuntun
28.	Pagla Kahin Ka	Shammi Kapoor,Asha Parekh,Prem Chopra,Prem Chopra
29.	Prem Pujari	Dev Anand,Waheeda Rehman,Zahida, Prem Chopra,Nazir Hussain,Madan Puri,Shatrughan Sinha
30.	Mera Naam Joker	Raj Kapoor,Kisena Rabiankina,Manoj Kumar,Dharmendra,Om Prakash,Achla Sachdev,Dara Singh,Agha,Simi Garewal,Padmini,Rajendra Kumar,Rishi Kapoor,Mukri,Rajendranath

These movies managed to portray the simplest of emotions beautifully. Most of these movies are considered classics and scored nicely at the box-office at a time when people did not have any money. Yes, they made a profit at a time when people in India had no money. I am not even going to talk about movies made between 1940's and 1969- The Golden Era of Indian cinema. Movies made in this era were not only super-awesome but borrowed heavily from and encouraged Hindi/Indian literature. As a result, a highly benificial symbiotic relationship between movies and literature thrived during this era. Talking about this period of Indian Cinema while being bombarded with the shitmonkey current bollywood movies makes me feel very very depressed.

Where the FUCK are my happy pills?

Now days with India's booming economy , it is sadly considered an excellent year which produces 8-9 hits. From the 25 or so hits in 1970 to 8-9 now. The current crop of film makers have responded to this decline in popularity by making movies which are worse than the movies made in the previous year. This is how they plan to make their cinema more popular and profitable. Filmmakers arrived at this conclusion by examining each others asshole very intimately. They assume that the Indian audience has somehow dumbed down with the increase in literacy and global awareness, access to far superior foreign cinema and stuff, y'know, other stuff which makes people dumb. Hence, dumber movies. Don't look at me, that is just how a modern Indian film-maker thinks.

Pictured: Indian audience according to modern filmmakers

Modern Indian Cinema:

Yeah, that's right. Modern Bollywood.

Experts in Indian cinema believe that modern Indian cinema began from 1970 onwards. However, I believe that modern Indian cinema began from 1980 onwards. Why? Because fuck experts. Almost everybody related to bollywood is a massive tool. Everybody. They have no idea about anything at all. So, I am the right person to listen to on this subject. Yes. Me.


Before, we launch into the hellish world of modern bollywood, let us take a step back. Take a long deep breath and.. Fuck. The sheer ball dropping magnitude of modern Bollywood's mediocrity and incompetence at making films is extremely intimidating. I believe, one of the major reasons why reasonable people find it hard to capture the essence of bollywood's fuckery is because of its other worldly quality. While watching any modern bollywood film you undergo an involuntary suspension of belief and a massive brain cell loss. Some of the suspension of belief sticks with you forever and the loss of brain cells is permanent. It is hard to come back from there. Hence any critic who watches enough bollywood movies is no longer in any state to write about it effectively.

A 22year old Indian film critic after watching K3G

Bollywood has therefore, achieved a level of invincibility to achieve which a master villain like Joker will absolutely sell Robin to a ring of gay slave traders called Ass Pirates Slavery Inc. Come to think of it, bollywood sounds more and more like an evil fucking genius. In fact thinking of all the modern bollywood movies I've seen, it makes me want to abandon this article right fucking now. What is the goddamn point, Satyajit? What is the goddamn p... Ah, fuck it.

Evil.

To be contd...